I had a treadmill that I had inside my room. I decided one day it took up too much space so I sold it. I could have held onto it and used it. A few months later I decided it was time to get serious about my health and it was time to lose the weight I had carried around for over 20 years. I was 260 lbs. I started with my Fitbit doing step challenges on the Fitbit app. It was August in the desert southwest. Temps in the 100’s every day. How did I get my steps in? I stood up and walked in place inside. All day. I won many challenges. I’m sure I looked funny sometimes in public because I even did it there!

If you want something. Don’t make excuses not to do it. Go for it. You don’t have to listen to that negative voice that tells you that your not good enough or that you cant do it. You CAN do it. You can control that voice too! Love yourself like you matter. Because YOU DO!

11/15/20 Sunday

7:30am. I just woke from a strange dream. I’ve had them every night lately today I decided to write it down to make sense of it.

I was going on a road trip with these ladies I didn’t really know on an important trip I didn’t know what for until we got there. The place was a small town where all the women were married and constantly pregnant. Babies and children everywhere. One of the ladies lost her baby in childbirth we were there to pay our respects and to see the baby buried. It turned out the baby was like the kind in the movies always way older than they say… An infant that was the size of a toddler. Then it got strange. Something was different about the soil. They were using brown sugar to bury the baby. Inside one of the cubbys in the motor home thing we were traveling in. I felt familiar towards these ladies I didn’t know. Like they were family. But they weren’t my sisters. But could have been. They were all blonde and beautiful. One I didnt see very much. One kept behaving strangly and secretive about wanting to drink from a bottle she said she had left behind and wanted me to get it for her. It turned out to be cough syrup and she wanted to share it with us all. Then the trip was going to be over but I didnt have to work and wanted to stay with them. The one lady was telling me it was going to be her birthday and they were all going out on Sea Doos. I wanted to go and told her I had never been. She smiled the most beautiful smile and laughed with crooked teeth. Because I had never been…. Then I woke up. I didn’t get to go.

This dream makes me sad. Becauase now that I’m making sense of it. Those girls were not my sisters they were my uncle Dons daughters. A life I could have had with a chance at a better life than I actually had. Its been something I’ve felt I missed out on all my life. But I have come to terms with that in recent years. Because we always only get what we are supposed to have. I was not meant to have that life. I was meant to struggle and have it hard. Because without that I probably would have been a pretty horrible person. I’ve had to be humbled. I’m a very proud person. But my pride makes me ugly. I needed to be humbled and every day my pride comes up and every day I have to remember to stay humble. I am no better than anyone else. I don’t deserve anymore than anyone else.

Friday 11/6/20

6:50am. I am alive and well. I’m working on building muscle not trying to lose it. Its a slow process. My body isn’t interested in it but I’m making it.

I had a strange dream about a guy I went to school with. He was in love with me. (In my dream) his name was Jack in my dream but in real life it was something else. It was strange. I had no clothes and was trying to find them. I was traveling… Very odd dream.

Anyway that’s that.

Friday 10/30/20

1:40 pm. I haven’t been so good about writing because I’ve been busy. Today is the least busy day I’ve had all week! I haven’t weighed myself for the past couple of days either. Been off track eating more than I should. But its that time of year…. Anyways I have been exersising. Doing strength training every day except Sunday. Doing alright with that. Ive also been walking over a mile every day. Not as much biking though. I did just get back from a bike ride though. Today the weather is really nice. Only about 87 degrees outside right now so not bad. But yeah still a bit warm. I’m sleepy. Going to nap a bit.

Tuesday 10/27/20

9:50pm. Time for bed. Today has been really busy!! Lots of work done. Got over 18k steps! Did weight training first this am. Rode my bike tonight. Walked the dogs mid morning. Worked hard painting and doing yard work today. I should sleep real good tonight!!

Sunday 10/25/20

12 noon. Weighed 157 this am. Took myself for a walk. Had sacrament this morning at my friends house. It was very nice. I enjoyed the message of knowing… I know it’s very important to really pay attention to whats going on and listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Some people call it intuition or synchrony or even just being mindful and aware. I believe it’s all of these things. I am so blessed and know that God is watching over me and wants what is the best for me. He knows what is best for me too. This life is good…. I’m constantly reminded of how much I miss my grandparents and my dad. But I am blessed with my memories of them.

Put up those big block letters on my wall today.

Saturday 10/24/20

8:35pm. Just got out of the shower about to go to bed. Was rudely awoken this morning by my speaker that rudely announces every single time a connection is made to it or disconnected to it. Apparently at 5am my phone for some reason decided to disconnect from it. So it yelled in my face. “BLUETOOTH DISCONNECTED” when I was sleeping so good. I cant believe I bought 2 of those garbage speakers.

Anyways today has been busy I’ve gotten a lot done.

I did day 6 of muscle building. Today was legs and abs. I’m looking forward to a day off tomorrow. I walked the dogs twice and rode my bike this evening. I’ve also been trying to eat more protein so that I can have stronger muscles…. Ha! I still look like an old lady. Oh well I guess it’s better than being a fat dead old lady.

Good night! I’m ready to sleep.

Friday 10/23/20

9:50am. Good morning! Ive taken the dogs for a walk and done a 20 minute meditation while I had a face mask on my face!

I also just finished foam rolling my sore muscles. I weighed in at 158 this morning. I am about to do day 5 on week 2 weight training today is shoulders. It should be fantastic as usual! Its a beautiful day outside today. Life is good!

3pm the day is moving along as usual. I am getting ansy to get moving. A walk or bike ride soon. I painted my nails and messed them up already. 😆 its a nice day not even that hot outside. I’m enjoying it.

Thursday 10/22/20

8:20 am. This is week 2 of the muscle building program I’m doing. Today will be back and biceps. I’ve already walked the dogs and set up the playlists for each day on Youtube for me to follow each day complete with warm ups videos and cool down stretching videos. This will make my workouts go just about perfectly. So I wont have to think too much about what video I have to find for each day. I just go to the day im on in the week.

8:40pm today was busy busy I didn’t do the vipassana meditation today. I might do it right now though. I did yoga stretching tonight before my shower. Walked the dogs with my son and rode my bike earlier with my friend that was nice. I am so thankful for these special people in my life who I love dearly.

This morning I did the back & Biceps workout. That went fine. Tomorrow I’ll do my shoulders. I also got a protein drink to start taking. Hopefully it’ll help me build some muscle.

Anyway, I’m tired and ready for sleep. The soft music I’m listening to is helping me feel sleepy…. Goodnight