Time

We keep going through time farther and farther away from being whole.

You have been gone now for 8 months.  I still think of you everyday.  I still feel you sitting beside me in the car.  You never left. 

We will be together again.  But not yet.  

Be patient my love.  Maybe when we meet again you will know just how much I really love you.  

I always did.  ­čĺť

Advertisements

Talking

Many sleepless nights we spent talking about life and death love and loss.   

He always had a calm sense of peace about it all.  His view on life and death was not “typical”. Death was interesting to him but not in an unnatural or creepy way.  

I remember I was always the one with all the questions.  I was always the one never satisfied.  

I don’t know why things had to turn out the way they did.  

Haunted 

I am haunted by the look in his eyes the last time I saw him.   

He had the most beautiful blue eyes that changed with his feelings. 

They were the color of ice and when I saw it it scared me. I told him I could tell he was hurting and that I cared.   I told him to take the time and get better.   

He said he would.  

But I saw that look in his eyes.   

Why was I the only one who could see it???    

I wasn’t.   The boys did see it.   I bet it haunts them too.  

Searching

Taken about 16 years ago

It’s been 4 months that he has been gone.   The sadness is still there.   I keep searching for old pictures as a way to hold on.   I don’t want to let go.  I still hear his voice all the time but it does seem farther and farther away.    I want to know what happened.   I want to know how he is now.   I want to really be able to see and hear his living face and voice.   

Everyday I am reminded of what could have been and it makes me think of what I could have done differently.   I know I can’t change the past.   I just wish it didn’t affect my future so much.   

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.   And I just want to be happy again.   

Pride Vs.  Humility 

Being a parent on my own….

I pray every day for the strength and guidance I need. 

I can not do this on my own.
On my own I am proud,  and self righteous which makes me become distant from my child. 
With my Heavenly Father guiding me I am humble, and spirituality righteous which brings me closer and more affectionate with my child

I can not find happiness in pride. 
Because it only serves to separate and destroy. 
I can find joy and blessings in humility because it softens my heart and helps me nurture my most precious blessings. 

One Month

Monday you will have been gone a month.   I still can’t believe you are really gone.  I think of you all the time sometimes it feels like you are right here with us.  
Other times I we are over come with sadness that makes the tears flow.  
I even get mad and scream why??  
Why didn’t you say something to me?   Why did this happen to us?  Why did you die???
I got mad the other day and kicked and broke a door hinge and I kicked a hole in the wall.  That wasn’t enough though.  I threw a glass  at the wall and it DIDN’T break!!!  So I threw another one being sure to aim so that it would break.  

Nothing quite like sound and the feel of breaking glass when you are so upset that you have to break something. 
Bryan you have been gone a month now. 
It doesn’t seem real.   It upsets me to think that it might be a long time before we can see you and we can be a family again.
If you have been hanging around me  sending signs please stay and keep sending them. 
We love you.  I love you

image
A wonderful day trip we took when i was pregnant with Lucius