6:00am. I’ve been up for about an hour now. I woke up early to pee and was hit with a horrible memory which got my mind going and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I weighed myself. I am 159 this am. And I’m feeling compelled to go to church. My friend invited me yesterday and I don’t know but I think I can benifit from recieving the sacrament. Its been a long time. I don’t know if that memory I remembered was put there to lead me to this or not. But it certainly will not hurt me to go. Its going to be at my friends house. So its not going to be a large gathering of many people. I still need to meditate. The sun has yet to even come up. Dang early mornings! Life is good and it’s a blessing. Even though that memory I had this morning was terrible I’m thankful that I had it because it is helping me to remember what I want to do…
9:50pm. I’m finally headed to bed. Just outta the shower. Today was good. I didn’t eat till after 12 but I didnt do so well on stopping eating…. Nor did I do so well on what I ate. I went for a mile walk this evening and I rode my bike for 5. I’m very tired and hope to sleep ALL night long. Good night.
Today’s meditation was day 14 No Ego zone. It was exactly what I needed. I need to constantly ask myself questions on where my thoughts are coming from. …. Ego or soul? If it’s from my soul it comes with love. From ego it comes from fear and goes in the direction of pain.
My goal is to stay in the place of love. Not fear.
My weight went up 5 pounds after the serious setback at my sisters eating like a glutton. I have set my weightloss back. But I’ll get there dammit. Today was 172.4. I could have already been in the 160’s but nope. I had to be a pig! 😆 its ok. It happened I wont beat myself up or tell myself I can’t do it cuz I can. I just have to keep on keeping on.
I’m about to do my work out.
Just DOING this thing! Fasting until after 12. I’m getting stronger every day. I AM a BEAST! (In a good way) 😉
Do your best you! Make yourself happy! Paint a fence, build a chicken coop and raise chicken! Work in the garden and grow things. Do what makes you happy!
I am 44 and single. I honestly am perfectly happy without a man to report to. Or to ask if I can do/ buy something. I don’t need a man to fix things because most of the time the help I need won’t be something simple. I don’t like to ask for help. This is something my husband and I had in common and it made us a very powerful couple when we were strong together. We could conquer the world … Or so we thought.
I really don’t think I’ll ever find a man who could fill his shoes.
We divorced yes. I left him.
It wasn’t because I didn’t love him though.
Rest in peace Bryan one day I’ll see you again. Not too soon though. I have a lot to do here still. A lot to accomplish…
I pray every day for the strength and guidance I need.
I can not do this on my own.
On my own I am proud, and selfrighteous which makes me become distant from my child.
With my Heavenly Father guiding me I am humble, and spirituality righteous which brings me closer and more affectionate with my child
I can not find happiness in pride.
Because it only serves to separate and destroy.
I can find joy and blessings in humility because it softens my heart and helps me nurture my most precious blessings.
The love of my life my protector and better half is now really gone.
Seven years ago our family was torn apart by Satan and even the promise of forgiveness it wasn’t enough to keep us together.
Satan and his evil way of manipulating with pride.
I had to mourn him seven years ago. I drank and I listened to sad songs and cried.
Now I get to do it again and it’s not fair.
Bryan loved everyone so much with all his heart. He wasn’t afraid of anything. Ever.
He had a soft quiet laugh that came from his soul. That laugh I heard many many times. I shared his joyous love of our children.
The day that each of them was born he was right there beside me. With Ariel he held my hand and told me I was doing great. (To which I replied, “Yeah I bet you say that to all the girls” ) He laughed and laughed. When Ariel was born after I was in labor for two days he took such tender care of me. I remember being home from the hospital and sitting in the livingroom trying to put on a smile and happy face but I could not hide my pain from him. He asked me sweet as only he could… “Your hurting aren’t you?” He would bend over backwards and jump fire hoops to take away my pain. He would never deny me anything if I needed it. When Ariel came into the world our bond got stronger we loved each other so much.
But money was tight and bills had to be paid. We spent many hours apart working opposite shifts at the nursing home.
He worked mornings and I worked evenings. Well Bryan was a friendly guy and would hang out with friends while I was working. Ariel was just a baby and babies aren’t that much fun. Lol well Bryan had a few friends and ended up getting a little to close to one of them and I would not tolerate it. I left him. Dec 1996. Ariel was nine months old.
We went to Anchorage, Alaska. But not before I went through all of our pictures and separated them.
There was a pile on the bed that I had left for him. It broke my heart to leave but I could not stay if he was going to be out dancing with other women while I was at home with our daughter.
During that time he decided she was not worth it. He wanted his family back. So we got back together. I came back to Seattle with Ariel but we both decided when Ariel was 18 months
old it would be best to move and start fresh. We moved to Arizona. We lived in Golden Valley seven miles off the highway on a dirt road. We had a very humble life living in a small cab over camper behind his mom and her husband Steve. Our camper had no air conditioning so we spent the hot days inside their trailer. It was a very rustic way of living but we all were pretty dang happy. Even grouchy Steve.
Then JB needed help and wanted to get out of Cass Grand so we welcomed him into our little camper where we all lived. Small living space but still we were happy…
This was when Bryan got the break he had been waiting for. North Star Steel offered him a job and made many promises of wealth and success. He worked HARD. Twelve hour rotating shifts. He would work nights for two weeks then days for two weeks continuously.
He made a name for himself there. He made many good lifelong friends there.
First we moved to a trailer park with JB for a few months then we ended up wanting our own place. We moved to a two bedroom apartment in Kingman when Ariel was around two. We made somewhat of a mistake moving in above his friend and his family. We never were a very quiet family and little Ariel was pitter pattering all over the floor all the time. They were always very kind about it but would sometimes mention that they could hear us and her. Malaki came to visit and sometimes Taylor would stay a while because Katie was still small and she was pregnant with Samantha.
We grew tired of apartment living. So we moved back to Golden Valley. We lived in a decent sized mobile home on a road named “Mobile”. I loved it. It was off the highway on a dirt road but not as far as his mom’s place.
Not long after moving into this home we got the call that Malaki was very ill in the hospital and about to die. Malaki had gotten an infection after Samantha was born an her body was overrun with infection because she had no spleen. Her spleen was ruptured in a car accident when she was nine. Bryan would not have it. His sister was NOT going to die. She had 4 babies and he would move mountains for her to live. He went against their beliefs to refuse blood transfusions and donated his blood to her. This has been a sensitive subject in the family but it just shows how deep he loved his family. All I could do was pray and plead with God to spare her life. She lost her leg below the knee but her life was spared. I spent a lot of time with her in the hospital. I loved her and cared for her as if she were my own sister. (I still would do the same and love her the same)
That is where Bryan Jr was conceived and where we lived when we brought him home.
My dad came to stay with us for awhile when we lived there. But we ended up having some problems with the landlord and ended up moving again.
Back to Kingman again. This time a friend of his from work (I can not for the life of me remember his name but I always reminded me of Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. ) owned a house that he needed to rent out it was just our size. We lived fairly happily there until a few things happened that rocked our world. The first was in Sept 11, 2001.
The next was when Ariel was five and a man who was friends with his mom molested her.
Shortly after that we left. We moved to Valle
a small place between Flagstaff and the Grand Canyon.
I worked at a hotel as a front desk clerk while he looked for work. I believe it was here that plumbing became his next career move.
We lived with the Craghead family for awhile until we got a small rental at the hotel “The Grand Canyon Inn” I worked for the tourist season.
The season was almost over when I got a call. My sister’s had been trying to find me for months. My mother had passed away in April. They finally reached me in August I believe.
Anyway the job that I had there was seasonal and the season was over so we had to move. So we moved closer to Flagstaff but still on the outskirts in Bellemont.
It was a beautiful mobile home in the woods. We were in HEAVEN there. I got a job close by at the travel stop as a fuel desk clerk. He started his work as a plumbers apprentice.
I remember when he came home from work and I would greet him at the door. He was so happy that I loved our home and loved taking care of it with him.
We were SO happy.
That happiness was shattered after Bryan welcomed his friend and his friends girlfriend to stay with us so they could straighten out their lives and get off drugs.
I can not place blame on anyone but one morning his friend ran into our room screaming that his baby was dead.
Bryan jumped up. Ran to their room picked up her tiny lifeless body and attempted CPR. I saw her and drive as fast as I could to the phone at the travel stop because we had no service on our cell phones out in there.
I called 911 Bryan did his best to revive her. But he was not able to. She was gone.
That devastated our happiness. Bryan wouldn’t sleep in the house the first night and actually spent the night in the car. I however went to my room to my bed and stayed there for three days. I had no intention of coming out. I didn’t think I deserved to live and enjoy my kids when this 7 month old baby girl had died. In my home.
He finally came to me the third day and got through to me he said to me. “WE ARE STILL HERE. YOU CAN NOT JUST STAY IN HERE”
It was so hard. But I did it. For him and for our two children. Bryan Jr. Was 2 and slept in our bed. He was in our bed the night she died.
The home changed after that though. We could not find the happiness we had there in the past. She haunted my thoughts and his. We were so heartbroken it was as if we had lost our own child.
We ended up moving again. This time we moved with family. We lived in Gilbert with my brother for awhile then we lived in Arizona city near Malaki and then we lived in Glendale with his dad and Donna.
Then… We went back to Flagstaff. Enough time had passed that we had healed and wanted to go back to the place we loved. We rented a small 2 bedroom apartment and lived very happily there for a few years. This is where Lucius was conceived. I worked as a caregiver for a company doing in home care. Bryan was plumbing. When I was about seven months pregnant something happened… I don’t know what. Rent didn’t get paid or Idk what happened. But we had to move again. I remember I was 7 months along and I was moving our washing machine myself. Not because he was lazy but because it needed to be done. (He ended up coming and helping me so I didn’t get hurt) We moved everything all the time by ourselves. No one ever helped us. This caused Bryan great pain. He would cry to me “why can’t anyone help us?? Why does everyone always want us to help them but when we need help they turn their backs to us?” I had no answer.
We moved in with his dad and Donna again. I was not happy but tried to make the most of it.
He became bitter and angry. He would tell me I wasn’t doing enough and I needed to get out and work. I never worked when I was late pregnant with Ariel or Bryan Jr. I had no options. We only had one vehicle and no one could handle our kids. I could hire a babysitter but that was not logical. I would work to pay the babysitter and it just didn’t make sense.
Right before Lucius was born we moved into a nice house in El Mirage. I loved it. He HATED it.
He was gone a lot working and then he hurt his shoulder.
He couldn’t work. We lost the house. We had to say goodbye to everything again. I had just gotten Lucius a bouncer. He sat in it once. We left it behind.
2006 We left El Mirage for Flagstaff again. This time we stayed with JB & Kristen for awhile. Until we got into a huge fight and I locked him out of the house and he kicked in the door. We both ended up in jail
After that we stuck together. We were homeless and living in the woods in the rain in Flagstaff with Lucius just learning to walk. But we stuck together. We lived in a homeless shelter for awhile
He got a job I got a job and money started rolling in. We had gotten that grill and he loved it. But he needed a surgery on his shoulder so he had pain a lot. We moved from the homeless shelter into a small cute/cozy little house that was way too expensive.
I was still working as a caregiver Lucius was about 2 when a lady I took care of committed suicide while I was in the home. This was a huge traumatic experience for me. He was working in Phoenix. I had to mourn and make sense of the tragedy pretty much on my own. I missed him terribly. My heart was in pieces. I couldn’t stay in Flagstaff without him. So. We packed up and moved again. Back to Phoenix where we stayed in an Extended Stay hotel for a long time. Until we were finally able to move into another home. This time back in El Mirage again. Ariel was able to be reunited with her friends and it was a pretty good home for awhile.
This is when the shit hit the fan.
I ended up leaving him to protect my daughter.
I had no other choice. I loved him so much.
I NEVER EVER wanted to abandon him. We were a team. He was my partner my best friend my forever.
I was devastated.
I cried for him as if he had died. I truly did. But he didn’t and I still saw him occasionally and it was so hard not running into his arms to kiss him every time I saw him. It got easier after Monica was in the picture but at first…. man I wanted to be back with him so bad. I missed our family.
Then he married Monica. I freaked. I was hurt again…
Not long after that he went to prison and I made amends with Monica. After my son Bryan pleaded with me to please stop being a jerk because it hurt him.
I did not want to cause anymore pain for them. None. So I apologized to Monica and Malaki. Monica never really trusted or liked me though. I did try. It was hard having to talk to Bryan Sr. Thru her. But I accepted it.
I limited contact with him to the bare minimum. Most of the time just going through Bry. Jr when I could.
Last year I was low on money and needed to buy Lucius his meds so I sent a text to them asking if they could help. I got no answer. I got mad. I told them both off. Because Lucius was out of his meds and they couldn’t even help get them. We ended up getting into a nasty little text fight. I told him off. He told me off. I regret saying the things I said to him now. I was informed by Bryan Jr. That his dad was struggling just to pay rent because he had hurt his back at work. I did not know at the time that he had CRUSHED vertebrae in his spine. And was still trying to work hard and take care of Monica at the same time building a strong bond with Bry Jr. Through football. It didn’t strike me as a real issue until I saw the picture of Bryan Sr. In the hospital.
When I saw that picture I knew it was bad. But lips were kept tight and I was not told any details.
When I picked up Bryan and Lucius for their summer vacation I knew Sr was home in pain and it was his spine. Lucius came up to me and the first thing he said to me before he even said “hi mom” He said “Mom dad really does love you.” And he was standing right there not saying anything.
I was taken off guard and said awkwardly avoided the topic.
I hugged Bryan Jr. Looked at Sr. And saw a completely different man than I had known.
He was small and frail. He was bald (but that was normal) But his facial hair was white. I could tell instantly that he was not well. (Still didn’t know how bad)
His eyes were pleading with me.
I looked at him and softly told him “wow Bryan you look terrible. You need to get yourself better please take care of yourself. ” I told him I loved him In the non verbal way that I could.
Monica had arrived at the top of the stairs and I did not want any problems. We waved goodbye to Monica said Goodbye to Bryan Sr and walked to my car.
I had no idea it would be the last time I would see him alive.
I wish we would’ve just stayed….
I don’t want to accept it. I am afraid that with acceptance will come forget.
I don’t ever want to forget him.
I don’t want to talk to people who didn’t know him or didn’t like him.
I am angry that his body couldn’t handle his spirit.
I find comfort in knowing that he is free of his mortal sufferings.
I find comfort in knowing that when we meet again we both will be perfect.
Or so they say these days when something hasn’t happened in a bit.
I’m busy and stay that way
For fear of the endless nothing
When I stop.
Like Adel I too “haven’t done much healing.”
I’ve been busy.
That’s how it needs to be…..
If I could have one super power it would be to take all the pain of the world out of the people who suffer.
I would give everyone a full and happy life.
Death is a horrible when it comes to soon.
No mother should have to lose her child. No child should lose their parent.
The first death I remember experiencing was Adam Walsh a boy that I had never met.
I remember reading about him in the newspaper. Sitting at a donut shop with my dad. The words I read I can still see them in my mind. It was horrifying what happened to him.
I was 8 years old when he was kidnapped and murdered. Looking back and knowing how young I was is very shocking.
His story haunted me for what must have been weeks, months, even years. When I think of it now it still upsets me. I was 8 and it was all I could think about.
I obsessed over the details of that article. He was younger than me. I had a little brother who looked like him who I was very protective of.
Reading the words describing how his parents were affected hit me hard.
But it was more than that. I know it had a profound impact on me but I never really understood it until now.
I always thought it was because I was emotional or extra sensitive.
Here is why,
I was living in an extremely abusive home. If you can imagine it I lived it. Three years before I had been abandoned by my own mother and was told it was because she didn’t love me.
I always thought something was wrong with me and it was my fault. I had no idea other kids in the world had parents who actually wanted them and LOVED them.
I could not imagine anyone ever loving me as much as they did him. No one would ever cry for me.
I was in a trance for a very long time. Crying for the death of that boy. I couldn’t understand WHY God would take a boy who was so LOVED and leave me there where I was HATED. It just didn’t make any sense. I remember wanting to trade places with him to take away all that pain. Laying in bed I would wish that I could melt away into the mattress.
Eventually something snapped me out of it. It was God telling me that I was special. I had the life I had for a reason. It wasn’t because I was unloved. It was because I was strong enough to endure it. I knew that God had plans for me. But I had to get through all of that. So that one day I could make a difference and help others not to suffer the way that I did.
Is there anyone who is comfortable with death and mental or even terminal illness?
Recently I had a friend commit suicide. I don’t know exactly why. I probably never will.
He was a gentle soul with a kind heart and a beautiful smile that would light up the room anywhere he went. He had many friends and I don’t claim to be a close friend but I did know him and he touched my life.
When I got to know him it was last summer. My cousin was staying with me because she needed some help to get on her feet. He would come over to visit her. He was her cousin.
So we would hang out and watch movies talk about this and that. Most of the time I was busy working on school work. Studying math. I would spend hours fighting it.
One time he asked me why I was going into a field that I needed so much math if it was so hard for me.
I told him “Because I am tired of being a caregiver making no money and working for jerks! I want to make money for a change.”
I remember another time he came over to visit the actor Robin Williams had committed suicide that day. I was shocked and deeply saddened by this. I remember I had gone and bought the movie ‘What Dreams May Come” because it was one of my favorite movies he had done. I was a bit melancholy.
I remember later on that evening we were talking about it. I had told about witnessing a client of mine that was terminally ill commit suicide. I was in the other room and she shot herself. It was an extremely traumatic event that I probably should have kept silent about. I remember him saying that he had been suicidal in the past. Almost as if it was nothing. It made me nervous. I remember tensing up and if I said it or not out loud I was remember thinking / feeling “You can’t talk to me. I can’t handle that right now”
The subject changed.
I had a falling out with my cousin and kicked her out and stopped all communications with her.
Then around January this year he sent me a message on Facebook. I was at McDonalds using the WiFi working on homework when I got his message. I remember having an odd feeling. But I was distracted by my homework and still holding a grudge for my cousin. He had told me about an operation or tests or something to do with his health and I thought. “Oh wow my problems are nothing. What do I do?” I was also suspicious of his motives. Thinking he was contacting me looking for my cousin or something to do with the argument between her and I. So I kept the conversation short. Left McDonald’s mid- conversation.
I had a sinking feeling that was the wrong thing to do.
Then about a day or two before he passed away I was on Facebook. You know how at the top of the page they show pictures of other people who you might know. His picture was there. I saw his picture, smiled and said to myself “Hey, Jesse! — and fucked up (cousins name).” Then I closed out Facebook.
The day that he passed away I had a crazy day at work. My client was acting strange and almost fell down.
I got home exhausted. Checked Facebook. Saw a post one of my close friends who I recently found posted a video from 4 years ago. It was a public speech she did thanking the community for their support. Her husband had been killed in a tragic tornado after doing all he could to get their family to safety. It was a very emotional video that brought me to tears. I thanked her for sharing and told her that I didn’t know what to say but that I love her and her family. That was at 1:30pm
I then put my phone down and went to sleep.
When I woke up and checked Facebook I saw my friends picture with RIP written on the bottom. It was about 4pm
I was confused and very upset. I contacted the person who posted it which happened to be another cousin of mine. She told me what happened.
He died sometime around noon.
I then decided I needed to mend the fence with the cousin I had kicked out.
I can’t hold grudges even though I really want to.
It could have been her. It would have been horrible to lose a family member while holding a grudge. Even if she did me wrong.
Welcome To My Life! 