Just a woman going through life. Like everyone one else. The soul purpose of this blog is for my own personal growth. I do not intend to use it for bashing the people who have done me wrong although some may think so. To those people I have to say this: This is my story. If you do not like what is said you should have been mindful of your own actions. My story will be told. Like it or not! Happy day it is I am educated and free to express myself!
I feel like my grandma and or my dad are trying to reach me. I’ve been smelling cigarette smoke a lot lately. In my bedroom I don’t smoke. My son has friends who do and it’s always possible it could be the neighbors. But yesterday when I pulled into my carport in my car I smelled smoke so strong I felt like I needed to open the car door to get air.
Every day at work a number calls from Miami, AZ.
My boss won’t answer it. He says “oh it’s that strange caller again”
Grandma grew up in Miami, AZ. And often spoke of it.
I was doing something on my dads computer last night and came across an old message from someone that said
“Call your grandma”
There’s also a little yellow headed bird that comes around the window sill at work.
There’s a humming bird feeder there but no regular bird feeder in this window.
Its as if it comes to say
” hi “and then leaves.
I love you grandma and dad!! Grandpa is having another birthday and we all miss you so much!!
I dreamt last night this weird dream my two older sisters Teri and Cynthia were here visiting and they for some odd reason didn’t have transportation so i let them borrrow my car and my truck. For some odd reason I kept getting left behind places we would go. It’s like they forgot about me and just went on their way somewhere and I kept having to call them to pick me up. Then I got upset.
One day I was home and they weren’t supposed to have my car but I went out side and my car was parked oddly I looked around and saw my sisters trying to go into the neighbors house. Then I noticed it.. my car was messed up. They had wrecked it! I was so angry I yelled at them to get over here because I was going to punch them in the face. It was Teri I was focusing on because she was the driver. I actually woke myself up yelling at her!!
When my father passed away in October I inherited his worldly possessions which included a small collection of coins. Well I don’t think any of them are worth anything to write about in a blog or anything but it’s good to learn about.
In 1943 during the war there was a shortage of copper so they made pennies with some silver looking zinc on top of steel. These are not rare or anything but there are some coins made in 1943 that were made from copper that was left in the press from the previous year. Those copper 1943 s pennies are worth a lot of money now.
I was excited when I found these and then when I learned they are nothing special my balloon deflated
I have a story to tell. It’s very real and very heartbreaking. But it needs to be told.
When I was a child my parents really didn’t want a kid when I came along.
But I still needed them.
They weren’t there for me. They hurt me. But I did forgive them as an adult I knew that I must forgive them in order to let go of the pain from the past.
My father was the one I was worried about the most. Because he accepted my forgiveness. He acknowledged his wrongdoing and promised to never do anything like what I went through to his grandchildren. I hugged him and warned him that I would be watching and it would be the last time he ever saw me or my children.
He cried so much and promised me. In my heart I wasn’t certain. But I let him back into my life.
Then I got married and had a baby girl.
I knew how dangerous he could be around a child. So I watched him close. I told my husband and everyone what had happened and that I had forgiven him. Most people did not understand. But it was not their burden to carry it was mine. I warned anyone I needed to. I probably ruined his reputation. But he never ran away and never denied it when I confronted him. He may have denied it to save face and to avoid judgement from someone who did not have the right to judge him.
My three children knew their grandpa growing up and loved him dearly. They had a chance to know him and have a decent relationship with him that otherwise would have not happened if I had held onto my anger and pain from my childhood.
I got a chance to know my dad for the man he was. He was not a monster. He was just a man who made mistakes. Just like everyone else makes mistakes.
He never made me regret forgiving him.
And I told him that as he lay dying on a hospital bed next to mine in my bedroom.
I told him that he was my hero and I was so sorry I hadn’t told him that before. But he had proven to me that its good to forgive and to love.
He didn’t want to leave me he had other things he wanted to do too.
The night before he passed away I played music for him. Everything I could think of that I knew he liked. When I got to the song “In my life” he was surprised. I’m not sure why… but he was.
I had to tell him I would be ok. No matter what I said, “I’ll be ok or I’ll be with you and grandma and that’s ok too.”
With my 3 kids beside his bed and everyone had come to visit and everyone I could call to tell them he loved them with no one else in the house his breathing slowed down until it stopped. We were all crying telling him how much we loved him and that it was ok for him to let go.
It was amazing how much I knew him and how I could tell what he wanted or needed
As his body lay there and the elders from the church about to bless his body the song “In my life” started to play on a random calming station on Spotify. I had just put my head down to pray when I heard the tune start to play it was like an electric shock that made me gasp.
Then just after that song another Beatles song played “Blackbird” A song he sang often. It was bittersweet. Because I so wanted him to stick around longer. My sweet hearted father who really did do his best. ❤️
She does as she is asked. By “God” and by the people she loves.
She gets a little happiness but not much. Just enough to make her cry when it’s taken away.
No little girl you don’t deserve peace or happiness.
Your still just a bastard.
Well fuck you then.
You only hear my fears and make them come true. You don’t hear my prayers. So I won’t pray anymore. You don’t care and I don’t either. You suck at being “God” you can’t even get your stories straight in a book. Then you blame it on us? Ha your a joke.
I went to see that movie last winter I guess it was when it came out. It made me cry all through the movie because it was so much my story. Then at the end it made me mad.
It made me mad because I forgave my dad without anger and without demanding him to find God and ask God for forgiveness for what he had done.
I forgave him because he asked me to.
I forgave my dad even though he was guilty of something’s that most people do not believe are forgivable. I did it because in the Bible it says ALL sins can be forgiven. And we are commanded to love one another even those that hurt us.
I never tormented my father for what he had done. He did however torment himself I know. He used to drink quite heavily and cry to me about what he had done and how sorry he was. That happened a few times before I put a stop to it. I quit drinking with him. I quit altogether actually. But back then I wondered why on earth would he do that to himself?
He was punishing himself. Simple as that.
Why though? I had forgiven him. But he could not forgive himself. We are all humans some of us make uglier mistakes than others. We have to learn to let those mistakes go and move on. We can not dwell in the past.
The other thing that made me mad about that movie was the fact that the boys dad in the movie left him money when he died.
There is no inheritance or insurance for me. In fact I will have to figure out how to take care of everything he’s left behind. I’ll have to go clean out his bedroom and go through all of his things. I will have to pay for his cremation and the memorial, obituary, and trip to Alaska to scatter his ashes in the ocean and whatever else is involved will rest on my shoulders. I accept that responsibility but it would have been a little nicer if I would have had more of a chance to have a longer time with my father. I love him dearly and I’m just not ready for it to be over yet.
His liver is shutting down he is in the last stages of pancreatic cancer. It’s not clear how much longer he has but I wish he was able to be my dad again for a little while.
I played “Back in the U.S.S.R” for him tonight and he loved it he laid in the bed nodding his head just like one of the Beatles. It brought a tear to my eyes.
Today has just been rough for me. Crying a lot. I don’t want to say goodbye. Although I know it’s not forever and he will be with grandma… she will put him to work!!
Childhood abuse does not have to follow you into adulthood. You can let it go. You can forgive and you can love and start new. It takes work keeping an eye and making sure to keep strict boundaries that are respected. But it can be done and it has been done. He never touched any one of my 3 children. They all love their grandpa very much. Even though he was grumpy sometimes. (Aren’t we all)
Here we are when I was about 11and here my 22 year old daughter and I are just yesterday. We love you so much!