It’s no secret that my childhood was full of abuse and neglect a true nightmare for any child to live through.
But I learned to forgive because it was what I learned in church. I learned that I wouldn’t have peace without it. It’s very true but that’s not the reason for this post.
The reason for this post is my lesson learned.
Sure I forgave my dad and my mother but I also had great pride in myself and felt that I would “teach them” how to stay committed to one person and just how to be a good parent.
I found a strong man who encouraged my pride. He too had come from an imperfect childhood and felt the desire to “show his parents how it’s done”
We didn’t have a perfect marriage and we were even less perfect parents.
Our children did not endure the same amount of abuse that I did but they certainly had to endure more uncertainty than they should have with the immature parents we were.
My husband looked down on my father and I never really understood why…. it was because my dad chose humility over pride.
My father chose to admit he had done wrong and did what he could to make up for it for the rest of his life.
He stayed in my life.
My husband was too full of pride to have any humility and admit his wrong doing and chose to deny what he did and in so doing he threw his family away.
He threw away his daughter and then me because I stood by her.
I have so much love for my father for what he did I just wish I could tell him again and again that he really and truly is my hero.
I only got a chance to tell him that before he died. Mostly because I didn’t see it. But it hit me like a ton of bricks when it did. He was surprised and in shock when I told him that he was my hero. I had NEVER said anything like that to him. I also thanked him for not making me regret letting him back into my life.
It must have been very hard for him to live with people (family) silently judging him all the time.
When it would have been so much easier to just deny everything and start fresh with someone new
Without that forgiveness / humility my children would have never known their grandfather. While he may have not been the very best and wasn’t able to do all the things many grandfathers do because he was either taking care of grandma or he was fighting his own cancer. He always loved them and made sure they each knew that they were precious to him.
I’ve always tried to keep in mind that when I am ready to die I don’t want to have regrets or pain from broken relationships haunting my death bed. I want to be at peace.
When I think of how my ex husband died and how my father died…
I am sad that my ex died alone and in so much pain. It might have been different had he chosen humility over pride. It might have never even happened at all and he would have still been here.
I have told myself from a very young age that no one will love me and stay around forever so I have to rely on myself to be strong and take care of myself. In so doing I have pushed people away and given myself somewhat of a lonely life. Although I don’t really like most people because I just don’t trust them to understand me and not hurt me somehow. Most of the time people think I’m stupid or a push over. I am kind to most people. I have great empathy for people. Having lived the life I have I know how hard things can be and how important it is to be kind. Especially in this day and age with so much uncertainty surrounding us all.
But many people end up using it against me.
I am unique and enjoy spending time alone… I work best alone.
Many see this as odd. I don’t really care. I don’t fit into someone’s box of what a woman should be. Because I am real.
I do however need some human contact or I will not be ok…. right now I am 45. My youngest son is 13 almost 14. It won’t be long before he is grown and wants to venture out into the world. I would love to make him stay a child forever but that is not the way it works. I just hope that I don’t push him so far he never wants to come back and bring me grand babies to love and cherish. I feel the same about my older two as well.
I want to always be with my family….
because family is forever! 💗
And real friends are also! 💕