Dad and Pancreatic Cancer

My dad was diagnosed last November with one of the worst cancers to get. Pancreatic cancer. Before he was diagnosed he had been caring for my grandmother who passed away the end of August 2017.

He’s had chemotherapy which has taken a huge toll on his body. He is 65 but he looks much older. His eyes are sunken in and his 6 foot frame is very bony except for the huge belly. He weighed just over 200 pounds today. He is considered malnourished.

I fear he doesn’t have much time left here with us. This past week he has not been alert and oriented at all. He’s also been hallucinating. It took him 3 minutes and heavy coaching to get him to use his own phone to make a phone call.

He has left me in charge as his medical power of attorney. So this means the weight of his life falls onto my shoulders. This is a heavy weight that I am not prepared to deal with. Just 2 years ago the father of my 3 children passed away suddenly leaving me to care for our children on my own. It’s been very hard emotionally and financially. His death hit them hard.

I am asking for donations to help with treatments for him and for his inevitable funeral costs. It’s highly unlikely he will make it much longer. He doesn’t want anything fancy just to be cremated and his ashes taken to Alaska and put into the ocean. He was a fisherman there during the 1990’s.

Anything helps and I thank you even if all you can do is pray for us. Here is the link to the fundraiser campaign Roger Daniels Pancreatic Cancer medical expenses.

Every day I go to see him he isn’t alert and oriented anymore. Tonight I had to feed him and talk him though how to use his own telephone to make a phone call. It took almost 3 minutes.

I recorded it for reference.

Dad and his phone

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read this and thank you for your help and support during this extremely difficult time.

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Dream

I just woke up from a dream It started out that my dad was next to me. We were walking and we had rolled up blankets and things he was propping up to form seats of the car. He held my hand the way he always did when we would go for a walk and he “got in” the car. I was still standing there but I was already inside the car somehow but I was still on the sidewalk. But when he got in he sat down and said “Play that song by AC/DC” I was/ am still confused. He looked at me like I should know. But he wasn’t much of an AC/DC fan that I could remember so I was confused about what song he wanted to hear. And he then sat back and like what always happens in imaginary cars you can’t sit back….. he just sort of laid down. And then the car was in motion but he was sort of not there but there. I then looked to the front of the car I was sitting in the “back seat” the were 2 guys in the front who are very familiar to me but I can not say who they are I don’t remember their names. I recognized them to be people I knew when I was younger but they were also older now. They started to play something I recognized and they started talking about the song very reminiscent like. I thought to myself “yeah I know this song. You guys are my age why are you talking to me like I’m a kid?” But I didn’t say it out loud to them. I just went for the ride.

The song wasn’t AC/DC I was trying to figure that out. I’m still trying to figure that out.

But I’ll play AC/DC when I get in the car later and see what I can remember….

come to think about it those guys were talking to each other I was just there. Maybe they didn’t know I was there and maybe my dad didn’t hold my hand at all…. why did he lay back? I thought he looked at me but now I think he was looking at the guys in the front seat…. maybe I wasn’t really there at all??!!

I just don’t know what to think anymore….

Who am I anyway?

That dream world doesn’t make any sense to me. My dreams are so strange.

Before I went to sleep I had listened to someone talking about dreams being a way of astral projection.

I have read about astral projection in the past and wanted to try it before but I also learned that when you do it your body is vulnerable to demon possession I do not want to leave my body my body is mine.

It doesn’t feel right to me…..

My lesson

It’s no secret that my childhood was full of abuse and neglect a true nightmare for any child to live through.

But I learned to forgive because it was what I learned in church. I learned that I wouldn’t have peace without it. It’s very true but that’s not the reason for this post.

The reason for this post is my lesson learned.

Sure I forgave my dad and my mother but I also had great pride in myself and felt that I would “teach them” how to stay committed to one person and just how to be a good parent.

I found a strong man who encouraged my pride. He too had come from an imperfect childhood and felt the desire to “show his parents how it’s done”

We didn’t have a perfect marriage and we were even less perfect parents.

Our children did not endure the same amount of abuse that I did but they certainly had to endure more uncertainty than they should have with the immature parents we were.

My husband looked down on my father and I never really understood why…. it was because my dad chose humility over pride.

My father chose to admit he had done wrong and did what he could to make up for it for the rest of his life.

He stayed in my life.

My husband was too full of pride to have any humility and admit his wrong doing and chose to deny what he did and in so doing he threw his family away.

He threw away his daughter and then me because I stood by her.

I have so much love for my father for what he did I just wish I could tell him again and again that he really and truly is my hero.

I only got a chance to tell him that before he died. Mostly because I didn’t see it. But it hit me like a ton of bricks when it did. He was surprised and in shock when I told him that he was my hero. I had NEVER said anything like that to him. I also thanked him for not making me regret letting him back into my life.

It must have been very hard for him to live with people (family) silently judging him all the time.

When it would have been so much easier to just deny everything and start fresh with someone new

Without that forgiveness / humility my children would have never known their grandfather. While he may have not been the very best and wasn’t able to do all the things many grandfathers do because he was either taking care of grandma or he was fighting his own cancer. He always loved them and made sure they each knew that they were precious to him.

I’ve always tried to keep in mind that when I am ready to die I don’t want to have regrets or pain from broken relationships haunting my death bed. I want to be at peace.

When I think of how my ex husband died and how my father died…

I am sad that my ex died alone and in so much pain. It might have been different had he chosen humility over pride. It might have never even happened at all and he would have still been here.

I have told myself from a very young age that no one will love me and stay around forever so I have to rely on myself to be strong and take care of myself. In so doing I have pushed people away and given myself somewhat of a lonely life. Although I don’t really like most people because I just don’t trust them to understand me and not hurt me somehow. Most of the time people think I’m stupid or a push over. I am kind to most people. I have great empathy for people. Having lived the life I have I know how hard things can be and how important it is to be kind. Especially in this day and age with so much uncertainty surrounding us all.

But many people end up using it against me.

I am unique and enjoy spending time alone… I work best alone.

Many see this as odd. I don’t really care. I don’t fit into someone’s box of what a woman should be. Because I am real.

I do however need some human contact or I will not be ok…. right now I am 45. My youngest son is 13 almost 14. It won’t be long before he is grown and wants to venture out into the world. I would love to make him stay a child forever but that is not the way it works. I just hope that I don’t push him so far he never wants to come back and bring me grand babies to love and cherish. I feel the same about my older two as well.

I want to always be with my family….

because family is forever! 💗

And real friends are also! 💕

My dream of life and death and my very existence

I dreamed Madison was killed by her dad and Cynthia left him. I was walking to be with Teri and Cynthia we were all going to live together finally. I had passed by the guy that killed Madison he was riding a bicycle singing some 90’s hit song. I had a boyfriend I was also supposed to meet. There was a motorcycle accident a guy came around a corner too fast and flew off his motorcycle and his head bashed into the concrete. It happened in a flash I assumed he was dead and continued on my walk to be with my sisters.
I was walking and walking and walking. Came around another corner where there was a car with a blanket over it. I instantly thought “someone’s dead inside” There was a woman there and she said “oh it’s the guy in the accident. But he’s ok he just bumped his head” I said “I saw his head crush as he hit the pavement. He’s not ok. I thought he was dead?”
She didn’t show me and didn’t answer me just went to singing songs and watering the gravel ground. I continued on my journey getting close I passed by a cemetery with broken fence slats and I saw a woman walk into the cemetery and then all of a sudden my easy stride turned hard there was a huge hill and
I was wearing slick dress shoes. Suddenly I couldn’t stand any longer. The ground was too slick. I fell!
But some very nice people came to help me. I had my cell phone and I was close I said just around the corner I’ll call my sisters to bring me better shoes. Then I realized I didn’t know for sure that it really was just around the corner and I couldn’t remember the phone number to Betty’s house. (Cynthia and Teri where also Betty’s daughters in my dream)
As I was sitting there trying to remember what to do the nice people didn’t leave my side. Then all of a sudden Teri and Cynthia showed up. I hugged them both I was so happy to see them. Teri was for some reason in the form of Betty. And I hugged her more because I was so happy I was safe. And she laughed and told the people that were there “we have a couple of first timers here” Cynthia was hugging them. I didn’t really know what she meant by that. I was just happy I was almost home.

I woke with tears on my face and as I write this I am crying. It is very emotional for me.  It feels like  a dream about my existence and it’s a rather emotional one

“Someone for Everyone” and other cliché’s

All I ever really wanted was to be happy. To have love and a real family. To have a soul mate one who would always be there for me throughout the hard times in life raising children.

It’s to much to ask for though anymore. Honestly.

No one stays together anymore. Society has made it too easy to just walk away.

I can’t find a man who isn’t completely jacked up. I don’t know why a man would feel like he would need to compete with me. As my partner.

I’m not a challenge. I want a partner not someone to prove something to.

I try my damndest to do everything on my own because that is what life has given me.

It wasn’t MY DAMN CHOICE to be alone. But here I am forced to be mom and dad and EVERYTHING for everyone

and it looks like I’m doing quite well. From the outside.

Inside I’m dying. I need someone to be here for ME.

Not someone to come around and challenge me and treat me like garbage.

I’ve always felt like there really is never going to be someone for me. Because I’ve always been alone. “I was born alone and I’ll die alone” Might as well get used to it and stop daydreaming of my prince. He’s never going to show up. I am tired of looking and finding only horny jerks.

So when they say “what’s meant to be will be” I get upset because I feel like I was never meant to be so I must live my life so that others can be happy.

And that makes me angry.

It’s all just a bunch of mumbo jumbo people say to each other to make themselves feel better.

None of it is real.

Last nights dream

I was pregnant again by my husband.

He came home and gave me a card with a letter and a check inside. From people I didn’t know. But he knew very well. The letter was signed “mom and dad Mcmillin” Or some strange name I didn’t recognize.

Then he walked toward the master bedroom and said “Come with me.”

Which usually meant

1. He wanted sex

Or

2. He had drugs he wanted to do with me.

I followed him but he was going into the bathroom. I looked around the door of the bathroom and he had a pipe of some sort. I don’t know what kind. And I started to panic. I screamed “STOP IT STOP IT BEFORE YOU DIE!!!” and I hit him on his knee that he had drawn up because he was sitting on the sink with his foot on the toilet. Holding that damn pipe.

I awoke needing to talk to him. But he’s been gone now 3 years.

I feel so alone. I wonder what will happen with me if I’m just here for the kids or if there will ever be any one here for me again….

I hate searching for someone good and jerks end up finding me.

13th Birthday’s and Model Airplanes.

I found a letter my dad wrote many years ago to his parents about things he was upset about. He never sent the letter and never intended to send it. But he kept it in a journal in an open envelope.

At the very end of the letter it says “dad, I’m still waiting for that gas powered model aero plane you promised me for my thirteenth birthday so I could fly. Well I am still grounded.”

As soon as I read the words he wrote I was reminded that he had given my youngest son a model airplane for his thirteenth birthday. Just last August two months before he passed away.

He never once mentioned wanting a model airplane or anything about how sad he had been to not get one.

But I remember how excited he was about giving it to my son for his birthday.

My heart breaks thinking about how much he loved us all.